The trans attraction to sameness as a form of inspiration and aspiration

This note is in reply to Bleedingembryo’s YouTube Post:   Great News! Also, What Do You Wanna Know?

http://www.youtube.com/user/bleedingembryo#p/a/u/0/Bp8i8NQFtU0

Hi Kaleb-

So I gotta question for you…

I just had top surgery 5 weeks ago. I am aware that a component of my FTM transition is my own raised consciousness of the male anatomy. As I heal, and I look at my own chest, and compare it to other guys for muscle tone, nipple placement, contour, etc, I have actually becoming quite infatuated with the male chest (and the male form), I find myself staring at photos of topless Abercrombie & Fitch models, studying the nuances of a guys pecs, shoulders, biceps, and ab muscles, etc. I think this is mainly because I so want to look male and I am gathering visual information as queues to my own aspirational goals. But I also think that as part of my transition, I am becoming more interested in guys. Where as before, as part of the queer community I found that my “attraction orientation” was towards being with women, now I am shifting a bit, I am realizing a new kind of awareness of my own attraction for guys. It’s probably always been there, but in my own brave new world, it’s like all my systems are being re-calibrated and I am open to seeing and feeling with out constraints.

This fascination with “what defines what a boys looks like” is not totally new to me, from an early age (8-9 yrs old), I was passing as a boy with short hair, boys clothes, and putting a sock in my underwear so I could have that bulge. So being of boy energy as a youngster, I of course looked to the idealized male form by carefully observing other kids who I admired, movie stars, athetes, etc, for information on how to dress, stand, talk, gesture, who to date, how to treat a woman, etc.

Now that I have had my top surgery, it’s like I am returning to this great place of my youth, before I became so aware of how much my family and larger society couldn’t accept my true gender identity, and I am tapping into an energy and a joyful freedom that I learned to hide (for basic survival).

My question is, have you, or other transguys you know, had a similar experience? Do you think this attraction to sameness is something many transguys feel? Does this looking and appreciating the male form make us more open to feeling gay/liking bioguys & transguys? I have no problem with what kind of person I am attracted to on the gender spectrum, but I think the discussion of where we draw our attraction and appreciation and infatuation from is very interesting.

I also really appreciated your vlog (16 Days Post-Op & Other Fun Things) where you mentioned Brokeback Mountain and sexism. I wonder how the dynamics present in that film (and in the book by Annie Proulx) plays into this whole attraction phenomenon as well.

I’d love to know your thoughts.

Thanks.

~ jasper

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2 Responses to “The trans attraction to sameness as a form of inspiration and aspiration”

  1. Bob Says:

    Hey Jasper,

    I like what you’ve brought up here, and I’ve noticed the same thing with myself, but I’ve found that even though I’m very interested in observing, touching, and just experiencing a male body I don’t feel emotionally attracted to them. I don’t see myself making out with a guy or pursing a relationship that isn’t purely to observe. I think it’s like what you’re describing– an envy.

    I don’t have a biologically male body, so I want to experience one even if it’s through another male, but I don’t want to be with that male. I just want to be him.

    (Can you delete my previous comment?)

  2. ftmjasper Says:

    Hi Bob,
    Thanks for your comment. Yeah, now that you mention it, I think I’d find it difficult to feel emotionally attracted to bioguys.

    I am still deciphering the feelings myself. So far its more of a physical study kinda thing, but it is compelling, like you said, to (as an FTQ, FTX, FTM, F2M, etc) experience a male body, as a way of getting closer to being that male body.

    Previous comment deleted.

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